Serene Half House

Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet. -Franz Kafka

Friends to Feelings

This is less of a story, and more of a question to myself.

I spent my freshman year of college sleeping around, with friends or even just acquaintances, and nothing ever came of it, there were no feelings whatsoever and it was a beautiful thing. I came back home right before May to celebrate the summer with family, and I just thought that I'd have a simple, sexless summer… Then, I met this beautiful man, this man I had so much in common with, and after hanging out a few times we eventually slept together. (He's home for the summer as well and lives a very long plane flight away). I didn't think anything of it until yesterday, we spent over 24 hours together, side by side, and I realized that this three months has been much more than just sex, I've been gaining feelings the entire time. I never thought this would happen, I never fall for anyone… I want this to be so much more than a summer romance, I'm begging myself to try and make it more, but I have this gut feeling that he only wants this for the summer. I don't want this to be something that I reminisce on for the rest of my life, I want it to last… but I know it won't, and it's killing me. So I've got to ask, what should I do? Should I see if it's mutual or skip the embarrassment and just be broken?


Sex, Drugs, College

I’m stuck. I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. I sleep with people and do drugs, but that is by no means a good life although some would say “it’s the college life.” 

I’ve become dependent on drugs, more so than I’d like. I mean, smoking marijuana three times a week is nothing, it’s much more. When I’m angry I’ll reach for the cocaine, when I’m happy I’ll reach for a tab of acid, but I’m never really sad. Sex and drugs make me happy, but I feel like they shouldn’t.

A few years back I realized I was a sex addict, and that cannot be changed. Is it that bad though? The fact that I can’t go a full seven days without sex? Fiona Gallagher was a sex addict in Shameless. I’m just Fiona with a better home life. College has turned me into a Gallagher. 

I look around campus though, and realize there are people way worse. I have friends that get wasted and do cocaine every night because it “sobers them up.” I have friends that are never actually on earth because they take LSD religiously. So am I that bad? Probably. 

That Guy

College is a rollercoaster to say the least, but it’s a roller coaster that mainly goes down with a few ups. College relationships on the other hand are like a tunnel, a dark winding tunnel.  

So it’s a beautiful Saturday, and a friend invites you to come spend the day with him at his work since he’s not busy at all and neither are you.  You go to the surf shop and stay there for over 4 hours, once hour 3 comes along he grabs your hand and you feel butterflies. You feel like you’re twelve years old again and have a crush on the cutest boy in class. Hour 4 comes along and you’re the only two in the shop so you start dancing, he’s spins you into his arms and kisses you. Wow. It’s beautiful and you feel so perfect here in this moment, but you have somewhere to be and leave 20 minutes later. 

You see him every day  for over a week and you feel like it’s going somewhere. You go to his house one morning before class and it happens. You sleep with him… The problem is, you didn’t really mean to and you contemplate what happened for the next two days. “What did I do?” You do it again, but this time his roommate is home. 

Did I mention the past relations with his roommate? 

Anyway, you gain major feelings for this guy, but soon the frequent texts stop. The calls stop. The snapchats stop. What the hell do you do?! Did you just get ghosted? 

He starts calling again, but you’re out of town. You’d do anything to be with him, but you know he’s playing your heart. There’s nothing you can do. 

My List of Firsts

I just finished my first semester of college, and it surely was full of “firsts.”  Going to school in a historic town on the coast was a jump from my town only a few hours away, but  I surf and I skate so I fit in more than perfectly, but I also did some things that I thought I would never do.  I smoked weed for the first time, it was too great, so on that note I smoked pretty much on the daily after that.

I found myself cheating on my boyfriend, like really cheating.  After less than a week there I was caught up in a one night stand, I wanted nothing more than that one night, and the next morning I did my first ever “walk of shame,” but I wasn’t shameful, I was ecstatic.  I had never done anything like this before and it was absolutely gratifying. (Should I be ashamed?  Probably.)

College was my first time having a fall fling (fuck summer romances, fall flings are better).  It was with this local, and god was he gorgeous.  We spent nearly everyday together doing the usual, smoking marijuana and surfing, what else could I ask for?!  But this was supposed to just be a fling, why did he introduce me to his mom?  Oh well, we still had fun, I was so ready for him to leave to go on his yearly trips to Puerto Rico, Nica, and Hawaii though.

In this fling, I did my first LSD one night/morning, and I had no idea until I started seeing shit, and he was like “Oh hey, there was LSD in that blunt, pretty trippy right?” I was so pissed at first, then I was like “fuck, this is great.”  But a week before than, I found myself in a bar bathroom with him doing cocaine off of a cellphone.  I didn’t know why I did it, but it was absolutely incredible, the headache that lasted a week afterwards was definitely not incredible though, it was absolutely awful.

First time being drugged was an awful experience, I was at a bar with a ton of people and one of my best friends, I ordered a drink and about halfway through I started to feel awful.  I was disoriented, dizzy, confused, my eyes were getting floating, I felt like I was about to pass out at any minute.  My friend noticed and took me straight back to the dorm, and the next day I was fine. Thank God that I didn’t drink the entire thing.

All these “firsts,” the great and the horrible mean something beyond words to me.  I’ve met friends who bring me breakfast when I’m hungover and hold my hair back when I’ve drank way too much, and I do the exact same for them.  I’m extremely happy to have experienced all of these things, and frankly, I cannot wait until next semester begins.

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