Serene Half House

Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet. -Franz Kafka


March 2017

Sex, Drugs, College

I’m stuck. I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. I sleep with people and do drugs, but that is by no means a good life although some would say “it’s the college life.” 

I’ve become dependent on drugs, more so than I’d like. I mean, smoking marijuana three times a week is nothing, it’s much more. When I’m angry I’ll reach for the cocaine, when I’m happy I’ll reach for a tab of acid, but I’m never really sad. Sex and drugs make me happy, but I feel like they shouldn’t.

A few years back I realized I was a sex addict, and that cannot be changed. Is it that bad though? The fact that I can’t go a full seven days without sex? Fiona Gallagher was a sex addict in Shameless. I’m just Fiona with a better home life. College has turned me into a Gallagher. 

I look around campus though, and realize there are people way worse. I have friends that get wasted and do cocaine every night because it “sobers them up.” I have friends that are never actually on earth because they take LSD religiously. So am I that bad? Probably. 


That Guy

College is a rollercoaster to say the least, but it’s a roller coaster that mainly goes down with a few ups. College relationships on the other hand are like a tunnel, a dark winding tunnel.  

So it’s a beautiful Saturday, and a friend invites you to come spend the day with him at his work since he’s not busy at all and neither are you.  You go to the surf shop and stay there for over 4 hours, once hour 3 comes along he grabs your hand and you feel butterflies. You feel like you’re twelve years old again and have a crush on the cutest boy in class. Hour 4 comes along and you’re the only two in the shop so you start dancing, he’s spins you into his arms and kisses you. Wow. It’s beautiful and you feel so perfect here in this moment, but you have somewhere to be and leave 20 minutes later. 

You see him every day  for over a week and you feel like it’s going somewhere. You go to his house one morning before class and it happens. You sleep with him… The problem is, you didn’t really mean to and you contemplate what happened for the next two days. “What did I do?” You do it again, but this time his roommate is home. 

Did I mention the past relations with his roommate? 

Anyway, you gain major feelings for this guy, but soon the frequent texts stop. The calls stop. The snapchats stop. What the hell do you do?! Did you just get ghosted? 

He starts calling again, but you’re out of town. You’d do anything to be with him, but you know he’s playing your heart. There’s nothing you can do. 

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